I love it when people are being honest. I think everybody does. Honesty is a trait that so many people value and like to talk about. Everybody agrees on it, yet so few people care to be that person.
But I get it, telling someone something you think they might not want to hear is always hard. We don’t want to be the bearer of bad news. But ultimately, I have never seen a situation where lying or silence was the better alternative. When it comes to trust, clarity, and mutual respect, honesty is just the way to go.
I’ve been dating a bit recently, and there are many things I hate about dating apps, but ghosting is definitely at the top. You get ghosted a lot (or at least I do). You match with someone, exchange a few words, and then before you even get to set a date: silence. It’s pretty bad. I’d rather have a negative answer than none at all.
Whether it’s a friendship or a relationship, “ghosting” — the action of suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication — seems to have become a common practice these days. And when you think about it, it makes sense. It’s so much easier to say nothing than to have to think about formulating a response (especially a negative one). Texting makes it even easier, since you can pretend you haven’t seen the message in the first place.
Now, I am a very curious person, so I love to know the “why” behind things. And I think most of the time, the true “why” is rarely worse than what you had in mind — often, it’s even better.
There’s something so powerful about being told the truth, even when the message is negative. It makes you feel in control somehow. You have all the information you need to make a proper decision on what to do (or not to do) next. You stop wondering what could have been. You switch from “guessing” to “knowing,” allowing you to process and move on.
When we have to deliver bad news, that’s when being honest gets difficult, and that’s where most people lie or avoid saying anything instead of simply telling the truth. While trying to “save” the other person from the truth, we achieve the opposite effect, as they are left confused, seeking clarity on the situation, and annoyed by the lack of communication.
It’s funny how your perspective on the best course of action shifts entirely depending on whether you’re the one delivering or receiving the news.
In any situation, I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes and consider how I would want to be treated. When I imagine myself receiving bad news, I might feel sad, but I also appreciate the honesty. I actually feel grateful for their openness and integrity.
But for some reason, it seems like we always imagine the other person will take the news worse than we would. Yet, when we finally do take action, we’re often met with a gentle and understanding response that not only brings relief but sometimes exceeds what we had hoped for.
So, sharing ends up being a liberating experience. You don’t have to analyze each and every one of your thoughts before sharing them with the outside world. And because it builds trust between you and the other person, the relationship feels more intimate, and communication becomes much easier.
As the recipient, if you’re not being told the truth, your mind will often try to make up a “why” for what’s happening. But because it likes to imagine the worst-case scenario, you usually end up with a guessed “why” that is actually worse than the real reason behind it. Say, for example, your friend stops talking to you: you might think it’s because they see you as a boring person, when in reality, they just feel insecure and are afraid they can’t get on the same level as you.
Knowing the truth helps you learn from your experience and grow in the future. You become a better person who can make conscious decisions based on facts, not guesses.
It’s actually very satisfying for both sides when honesty prevails. It simply feels nice to be nice and treat the other person as well as possible.
When being honest though, I’ve come to realize that timing matters too. Sometimes, you don’t want to share thoughts prematurely, as they might not be clear in your mind yet, or you might not be sure about them at the moment. It could put the relationship in jeopardy for no reason. In that case, it’s probably better to wait until you have more clarity before sharing them. It’s worth noting that I don’t think you should stop communicating altogether in the meantime, though. That would end up feeling like ghosting for the other person — eventually damaging the relationship. But if you can’t talk normally to them at that point, then it’s probably time to share your thoughts anyway.
Often, it’s hard to define the point when your thoughts become clear enough to be shared. And at some point, it might feel too late because the feelings or emotions you last shared with the other person are long outdated, and you feel a bit dishonest. You don’t want to wait too long before doing so, because the gap between reality and what’s in your mind will keep expanding as time passes. Eventually, you will end up feeling like you’re living a lie and wasting that other person’s time by giving them a fake version of yourself.
How you share your thoughts is also important. You want to avoid hurting the other person unnecessarily while being as honest as you can. I think that’s a delicate balance. For example, you don’t want to tell someone you think they dress like shit just because that happens to be what you are thinking. These are opinions, things only you might perceive from your point of view. Depending on the situation, it might not help the other person to share these thoughts with them. So I think you should be careful about how you phrase things or even whether there’s a point in sharing them with the other person. It might only make them feel more insecure or sad, without actually helping them.
I hope these thoughts I’m sharing with you will give you some ideas to bounce back from. If you got this far, I’d love to hear your opinion on this topic. You can message me anytime — I will not ghost you, promise. :)
Much love, Cyrus